Mice in a Maze

It had not been a good day.

She had awoken early feeling a ball of anxiety in her stomach, dreading the thought of going into work. Trying to think of any way out it , any excuse. An alien feeling – she had enjoyed her previous job and never dreaded work. And now she did.

She was now trapped in an environment that was completely foreign to her – literally a sparkly, square peg in a drab, grey, round hole – she simply did not fit and could not align herself with the ideology in this workplace. Nothing would change – she would never be able to facilitate any kind of improvement here and the frustration of feeling useless was an ever increasing emotion.

Today had not been a good day. She had had no patience to deal with the minor and inconsequential dramas, invented by people who seemed incapable of making decisions and were themselves in jobs they hated and were not supported. Trapped, like mice in a maze, lucky some days to get the cheese, only to be back the next to do it over again.

She was trying so hard to escape this maze. She promised herself this would not be her forever. Applying for jobs was almost a full time job itself. The application, interview and recruitment process was proving to be brutal. To be filled with the promise of that next step in her career only to be bitterly disappointed when once again she did not get the cheese. Always the bridesmaid and not the bride. Apparently a strong candidate but just not quite good enough. Waiting and hoping and then the soul destroying news that once again she hadn’t quite made the grade.

Today had not been a good day – another thank you but no thank you. This time for a role she had all the skills and experience for – she was a perfect fit. A similar role to one she had held previously and had excelled at. The pain of the disappointment had bought tears to her eyes as she faced a potential future of always being that square peg … existing in a role just to pay the bills … going through the motions day after day, achieving nothing, going nowhere. No cheese. Just another mouse, another maze.

She detested feeling this negative, this angry, this goddamn low …. it simply was not who she was. She tried so hard to be grateful, to look at the positives and be thankful for the financial lifeline this role was giving her. She knew others were having an equally hard time this year, 2020 affecting everyone she knew in some adverse way. Everyone fighting their own battles and seeking a way through the maze. 

But it had been a bad day and she felt the need to wallow in her self pity. She hated being unhappy – it took so much energy and she was just so bloody tired of it, but today she felt the need to allow it for herself. She reminded herself that she was just a day away from her mini break north, a day away to sit by a pool and walk along the beach, drinking cocktails and watching the sunset. To enjoy four days away from the drudgery of this existence. Perfect timing perhaps.

It had not been a good day. So she sat and wrote and let it all out, her thoughts rushing out onto the screen, a cathartic release of the days’ emotions. She knew tomorrow would be a better day and the day after even better still. She could at least promise herself that.